to my right, ashtray, lighter, brothers cell phone.
left, newports and ipod.
coors light between my legs, indian style.
my heart is, has been pounding since 3:38.

We give gifts to people we care about, we give gifts to see happiness upon the receivers face, immense joy from the receiver is all we want in return, assuming your intentions are well. Those that realize there is this possibility of disbelief feel pressure, no one sincere desires disbelief in there intentions, they thirst for it. Thus causing nervousness. What words or body language can convince the receiver you are sincere? You never know how to act when you are sincere, causing every word to seem to be a lie. This is something I need, I need to be believed. All I can offer you is truth, I want truth in return. So what happens when you give away your heart, and then whoever has your heart uses it as a collectible? When can I have my heart back?

If Im not everything to you, how can I be anything to anybody?

I think you try to be deep, but all I read is "BLAH BLAH IM LONELY GIVE ME ATTENTION"

Now I get what its like to only read about how shitty you are.

definately not worth it.

What did I do?

no doubt concert tonight.
my mom infected my computer with a million viruses, just finished getting rid of them all.
I have two hours to get pictures off photobucket for shelbys graduation slideshow, get my hair cut, take a shower, and finish my laundry, so of course my first thought was I MUST BLOG.
Im on edge, my brother is an asshole, I love my mama, and I need a cigarette.
That is all.

This entry is really just to get some points across.
"You have no potential in life"
I personally dont believe someone who has had an under the counter job for less than a week is in a place to tell me I have no potential. One who also stopped going to classes a month after the semester started. Granted I did as well, but I dropped out to avoid academic penalty... responsibly. Im 17 and I am on your education level if not exceeded it. Thats a three year difference... and youre in the same fucking spot as me. Also, is someone with a 400 dollar car payment that is paid completely by welfare checks she gets from the government in a place to argue shes making an effort to get by in this economy? Its funny how when I was younger I always thought that when people have kids they are somewhat mature and arnt obsessed with drama to entertain themselves. Clearly only the stupid people breed. Im honestly not hurt at all by any of the things you say to me. I knew after a month of hanging out with you how much higher up I was and still am. No one believes anything you say because you do lie so much for attention. I am actually pretty relieved all this happened, Ive been trying to figure out for about a week now how to "break up with friends", well, just you. Your behavior the other night just proves even more how much growing up you need to do. Im not saying that Im completely mature, but I act my age. Youre a 20 year old single mother and you still take advantage of and manipulate everyone around you. insults like "stay up your pedophile boyfriends ass" and "at least I didnt murder my baby because I was selfish and wanted to live my life" are things I would expect from an angsty 15 year old trying to act badass. But hey, you had a kid and still manage to party and spend your government money on alcohol and cigarettes, but thats probably just because you have so many people you can take advantage of to do it. Grow up is all I can say, just grow the fuck up. done.

I feel like its gotten so bad that it wont go back to the way it was. Im not a child. Well, legally I am a child, but the only people that have the right to treat me like one are my parents, and they don't. So I especially think someone close to me shouldn't treat me as such. Is this an outrageous expectation? I guess I shouldn't make them anymore, I just get disappointed... isn't that right?

I guess ill be blogging more often now.

"The more you attempt to make things right, the worse they get. The smartest thing for you to do now is to simply let go. Keep in mind that this is not about defeat; rather, it's about conserving your energy to apply it where you can be more productive."

"You realize that your level of involvement is your decision and doesn't belong to anyone else. But you could set yourself up to lose either way emotionally now unless you take complete responsibility for your actions."

I think youre the most beautiful person to ever walk to planet.

The closer bamboozle is the more my stomach turns. Tomorrow, fucking tomorrow! The last couple days have been really really nice though. I'll be okay, I dont think Ill lose THAT much sleep. ;-)
M#

All I want is to spend all day with you, with no interruptions, cook lunch in our underwear, watch "epic" movies you cant believe I haven't seen, with whiskey and chile ramen, topped off by cuddle time and back rubs. You've made me learn what unconditional is, you're the only one outside of my family I care about unconditionally. I don't fucking care what my or your friends say (so cliche), it doesn't matter what bad shit happens, bad shit can't be avoided when you put your heart into something, ANYTHING! All I want is you. Ive never felt comfortable or even open to the idea of considering someone else in my decisions until there was you, now its just natural and I WANT to. I can't see myself with anyone else now, and I mean, I guess that usually happens but I don't even entertain the idea in my head at all. Its not desirable. I have these time frames based on objects. Like, you're drawing and your pillow, and I look back on to when I received them and think about how much I cared for you then and I totally thought it would be a steady road for me emotionally from then on... then, if that makes sense. But every fucking day I fall harder and harder and get more and more attached, but I'm fine with it, because its exactly where I am happiest and that's where I want to be. I mean, the only time I don't fall asleep holding onto your pillow is when I fall asleep holding on to you. I don't think things will change in a bad way, I only think things can get better, because it has thus far. M#

I might be becoming a little numb too. I wish falling asleep could make me feel better too, but its not that way, so I stay up and think while youre fast asleep finding peace.

Maybe if I ACTUALLY dont care, youll see the difference between the two extremes. Maybe?

dreading bambullshit.

I fucking torture myself.
Thats all I have to say.
no. its not.
I dont know what Im doing
I dont know what Im doing
I dont know what Im doing!

When I was younger I had a huge anger problem. I could never feel better or calm down unless I broke something or felt the pain of my fist hitting a wall. I eventually, with alot of therapy, grew out of it and became unfamiliar with "loss of control". I mean, I've felt extreme anger, but not that kind that takes over my entire fucking body. Tonight was such bullshit. I broke my mouse, spilled fresca all over my desk and cracked my computer screen. I don't know whats happening to me but all my old habits seem to be resurfacing. My anger, my irritability, my sadness. I just realize now that I'm not doing anything with my life and it has absolutely no value to speak of. I'm an idiot. INITIATE SELF DESTRUCTION GO!

I just hooked up my old computer to see the files I've forgotten about.
I now remember why I forgot about them.
ugh, pictures and conversations with people I don't want to remember.
...some decent music though.
I really wish I hadn't looked at all.

not all of them were horrible...

block party!




When myspace ruled.


Ha, shore to see Dankmobile?

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO PUKE MY THOUGHTS OUT OF MY MOUTH WITHOUT THINKING. If I had ONE fucking wish, this would be it!

I'm trying to say what I want to say without having to say I love you.

Despite the periodic lack-of-getting-along, I had a great weekend.

Nights like these are totally fucking awesome... :-|

something bad is happening.
ohai easy stomach, see ya later, thanks for comin' out.

Soooo, I'm going to the eastern shore with Scott today to see daddy. I hope this goes well, I've got a good feelin. Plus I totally checked my horoscope for the next two days and the stars say I'm gonna be alright, lolololololol.

My tummy is turning.
I feel like i swallowed my tongue.
Something bad is gonna happen.

I've felt more fucking fantastic during the last two days than I have in months. I wish I had words to describe the intensity to you, to anyone. Maybe it's good its indescribable 8-). What is happiness to you?

Today couldn't have been any better in any way. I don't know what it is about anything with this, but I like it. I feel so dumb and can't figure out what would possess me to say the things I said or anything of the nature, but I'm trying to be positive about it. I'm diggin what I've got right now, no more jeopardizing.

This was my horoscope yesterday...
"Day-by-day you become more certain about something you already knew. However, today you may stall in your movement toward finding balance and harmony. Temporarily, your obligations aren't necessarily supported by your current opinions. You believe one thing, yet can be required to do something that contradicts your core values. Ultimately, it may be wise to bite the bullet, make less of a deal about this issue and just do what gets you through the day. "

wow@that.

The concept of doing things your heart doesn't want to do because your head thinks its better for you as a whole is a fucking joke. None of me feels good, granted I didn't feel fantastic before, but whats this supposed to change? This is all kinds of open, there is no closure. My stomach has been in my throat since 3 oclock. There have been very few times in my life where I've been depressed and couldn't think of something that would make me feel better, couldnt dream up an alter life to be entertained by, to give me a higher purpose to work towards. Ive had alot of trouble expressing myself even TO myself, I felt nothing but numb until Lia left and I was alone, cuddled in a blanket, staring at my computer screen. What now? Do I blog? Do I write? I can't help but wonder how long I could sleep. This is not the product of LOSING anyone, its a product of stupidly ridding myself of one of the only things I was sure of. In ones life some things should be stable and absolute. I'm a big fan of absolution but I can't find it anywhere.


There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave

The sound of loneliness makes me happier.

I was thinking there could be different reasons why I feel so shitty at times, lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of nourishment, but I think that thought was just meant to convince myself I didnt "have it bad", as usher would say. I know all of this is because of you. I'm sorry for all this extra bullshit, but you say "this is why I dont do this", but ya know, your actions really can only have this result. EVERYTHING cannot be boiled down to simplicity, there are things that have underlying and need-to-be-explained-thoroughly concepts to understand. "Us" for instance. This is not all me, this is not all my fault, these are not just my outrageous emotions and misunderstood feelings. This is not because I am young and my brain hasnt fully matured. You are wrong, despite the fact you dont need me to THINK your right for you to KNOW youre right, you are wrong. I no longer know if you care for me, or if youve just perfected the art of living life without a purpose and NOT caring for anything. Ive done enough breaking of barriers, I dont have the energy to shatter the new ones. Once again, I'm sorry for the extra bullshit, but I imagine this will be the last of it and you can continue your life without my company, because we both know everyone can become content with being unhappy.

I'd rather us be sleeping in separate beds than back to back in mine.

This isn't the life I wanna live.
I don't to feel like shit when youre not here, only cause I'm worried.
Its not that its hard for me to trust people, I just wish I didn't have all these reasons not to.
But I mean, I kind of just make things up in my head and convince myself they are occurring, which isn't your fault in the slightest, but its posing a problem upon myself.

Today was shitty.
Nothing shitty happened...
It was just shitty in general.
I wondah whyyyy

I can't help but think I'm part of the problem.
...
unrelated...

I am no longer content with being content!
Things that used to excite me and make me happy just don't anymore.
I mean, they still make me happy, but I dont get like... a rush of excitement.
I dont want to be just okay with where I am!
I WANT TO BE FUCKING STOKED AS SHIT ABOUT WHERE I AM!

Hmmm.
I don't have much to say.
It was a nice saint patricks day.
Corn beef and cabbage with Joe and Aaron at Scottyz.
Then like 10 minutes of the departed, followed by 20 minutes of portal.
OH, BUT THE WHOLE DAY WAS FILLED WITH "MAKE DORIE FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT".
lolololol.
Ive associated so much stuff with you, which makes me miss youuuuu.
(I just lost the game)

ugh, way to enduce nervousness.

So, Ive been facebooking alot lately, and Ive encountered almost every friend I had in elementary school at ODC. Every single one of them is so fucking picture perfect. Long flawless hair, perfect teeth, fucking school spirit, a group of equally as perfect girlfriends to stand behind them.
What the fuck, bro. How did I end up HERE?
I mean, being liberal I suppose I appreciate I escaped from such a structured idea of how things should be, but its just weird to see how EVERYONE turned out the same so far, and recently learning that like... ALL of them still talk to one another, except me. Which, once again, I guess I'm thankful for.
I dont know.
I wonder how sweet it'd be if my parents were rich and I never had to dream about anything, I could just have it, but then again, dreaming is always alot more fun than being.

I cant really explain why I open up then shut everything out at the least appropriate of times. I'm just as confused, maybe more. I just don't show it.


aaaand.
The other day I found this picture.

Jose was lookin SO fly.

I don't need to blog.
*sucks it up*

Jesus Christ.
First of all, failtown mcfailsville.
second...
It is really... suprising/strange/...funny to me that you think the things you do, because I see them as impossible.

I no longer know how to please my family.
There is not a compromise between what I want and what they want me to want this time.
Should I have ever COMPROMISED my future?
It seems that might be why they expect it now.
The decision I make now is going to be DIRECTLY effected in the most significant way in the future... so should I still have to compromise due to age?
"youre young, no one knows what they are going to do for the rest of their life when theyre young"
Does this mean my parents know exactly what I'm going to do?
Or should I spend the next 5 years doing nothing? Because from what my genius, PhD having, published author father has told me, Ive concluded that nothing I do now will matter in 5 years when I make a career decision. "Dropping out" is always going to be viewed as a low-life term, along with "GED". No matter what circumstances have led to such actions, or how noble the plan for afterwards, the phase "dropping out" with forever and always be looked down upon! Why spend money on college courses if they are not required for the degree I end up getting before having a real career? Then again... maybe I should stay in school with absolutely no goals so my father can brag to his friends that his 17 year old daughter is already in college!
DATZ RYT, I MUST'VE FORGOT! SILLY ME, LOLOLOLZ
:-|

yo, facebook makes me feel so exposed.

I woke up this morning to a bird chirping loud as fuck...
but I just kind of ignored it because I thought my brother was being a douche a was blowing a whistle in my room...
then it got really fucking annoying, so I look up and theres a fucking bird flying around my room...
so I called my brother and he came in and opened the windows so it would fly out.
I was scared as shit.
twas awesome
that is all.

I'm tired of bitching about this.
You could imagine how angry I am, but I am 10 times more fed-up than that.
fed-up is actually a perfect word.
fed-up.
Its one thing to make a fool of yourself and fuck up your own life, but when it starts to effect your "best friends" lives and shit that is important to them...
then it has become a problem.

Whoa, bro.
fallin' hard.
congratz.
But of course, I can't help but have my doubts, just based on the decisions you might make due to the person you "are" or "were before", but still, irrelevant to my feelings/intentions.
what a night.

Read my blog to see if youre in it.
WELL GUESS WHAT.
you iz.
WHOA BRO, WHOA.

...my brother and george made me post this.

I feel like... "we" just got passed the awkward stages...
now Im just like...
FUCK.
why didnt we get this over with like 3 months ago?

Every day I feel more comfortable.
man oh man.
composure.

BEFO'
oh, and I cleaned willz room for cigarettes, lolz



AFTA'!

every day just keeps gettin' better!

Ive gotta blog.
So last night some ass mongural bitch asked me if he could have my speakers and I said no. I come home today and they are fucking gone. they were big ass speakers that like, i set my books on and shit and it acted as a bedside table...
so yeah, all my shit was just thrown on my fucking bed like its fucking worthless.
It would be a little fucking less upsetting if I was fucking told he was taking them, but apparently my asspirate brother told him to just march into my room and FUCK WITH MY SHIT. There are very fucking few posessions I have that I like. My room is the only fucking makeshift sanctuary I have, and really, very few things in it are mine. It is the only fucking place that is MINE and it pisses me the fuck of that people dont give a fuck about my space and dont mind trashing all my shit just to take something they fucking want.
IM SO FUCKING ENRAGED RIGHT NOW.



on a lighter note...
"the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people"
- the perks of being a wallflower
what a discretely complex idea.

I think I miiiight be losing my mind a little bit.

So, this morning I was in the shower and I spent like 4 seconds scanning my shampoo bottle making sure it was infact, shampoo, then I thought about how much time I spend every day looking at the shampoo bottle to see if it is INFACT SHAMPOO! I do it every single time I shower, I should make like a designated place for each product, but it will quickly get all fucked up cause my brother is a slob... but anyways... So I went to my computer and calculated... I spend 4 seconds every day looking at the shampoo bottle... that means I spend like 24 minutes every year looking at my shampoo bottle! THAT MEANS IN MY LIFE TIME ILL SPEND LIKE 32 HOURS LOOKING AT A FUCKING SHAMPOO BOTTLE.
WTF.

Fun day at oceanview with Caitlin and my brohan.
plus, I got this pillow. :-)

The doctors are saying my moms thing doesnt classify as a melanoma but theyre gonna keep a good eye on it...

PUN INTENDED


LOLOL.
Im just stoked shes alright... for now.

You are a beautiful, beautiful man.
Im tryna see what DAT feel lyke.

Hmm.
My mom is going to New York to get her eye looked at tomorrow... Apparently when you have certain cancers; signs show up in your eyes, and some doctor thinks my mom has lung cancer... thus the point of her going to the supposed "best doctor in teh whole wide world" in new york. I always said as a joke "the only way Id quit smoking is if someone I loved got lung cancer", so, the rest is self explanatory.
Jesus Christ.
I dont know, it could be nothing.
I love mama bear.

mmmm :-)
There are so many simple fact and occurances that make me pretty sure this is right, right now.

Hmmm. I feel strange today. This weekend has been intense.
In good and bad ways I suppose?
I might not be blogging much in the near future.
I don't have much to bitch about...

oh, and, random thought...
its interesting how many different occurrences and complicated details go into certain the opinions we form... yeah thats it.

I recall saying "Id rather be sleeping alone than with someone who is not you"
more and more truth comes to that statement every... moment.

Hmmm.
I believe I have properly prepared myself, just because I imagine if everything crashes and burns, ill be alright.
Im doing GOOD.

I see no progress in you. You say I pick fights... I approach you with a subtle, "lets fix this" attitude. You turn it into a fight with your harsh words and insults, blame it on me, then whine to a mutual friend claiming we gang up on you, thus turning you into the victim, correct? If your intentions are to get said mutual friend on your "side", we see right through it. I hate the words "mature" and "immature", I find them somewhat juvenile, but youre all about maturity, so ill be honest. We both know you are no where near where you need to be, so I would advise surrounding yourself with people at your level, it makes for a less embarrassing upbringing. For now, I think I'm done. I would really like to pick this back up on a later date, but right now all that is being inflicted upon me and those involved is pain and frustration. Maybe this makes me a shitty person, but I have to worry about myself before I worry about others, and you are taking up all my time.
Im sorry.
...


as for tonight...
hmmm. I will not be deprived of the distance I've come.
despite its inevitability.

mmm.
transition time!

Question though...
Is with-holding truth from those it doesnt DIRECTLY concern considered lying?
With such misfortune came so much good.
With good will misfortune come?

so weird encounter with someone who makez my words jumble.
do I sound stupid all the time?

I was just thinkin...
To be uneasy to "read" is a conscious awareness of your actions from body movement to facial expressions. I dont like confusion.


oh and Im the coolest person to have ever lived.
minus Roman Pulanski.



that is all.

thinkin about who made me believe in this shit, as a matter of fact, the same person who made me believe it was shit.

I just like this because words are really all I remember.
Which is funny, cause they didnt really mean much to me then.

Look what I found.

uh, january 2007... or 2008?
ha

Im really just numb to this whole deal.
I can keep saying that Im tired of trying, but I dont think anything is going to change any time soon.
There is no... trying or not anymore. We're going no where, and I think we will continue to go no where.
Yeah... it is depressing, so maybe thats why Ive trained myself to not completely care.
I really credit all of this to how easily I can accept disappointment or defeat or... anything not completely preferable.

Ugh.
I have lots to blog about, but I lack the balls to actually blog.
SWEET BRO!
Ill leave you with... I'm fucking terrified.

I was editing a manuscript and found this fantastic entry.
read.
appreciate.
art: any form of expression.



Passing the Peace

Before students elbowed through
halls, her volkswagen escaped
the faculty parking lot.
She tapped Make Love Not War signs
on fenders after filling
up for Vietnam protests.
Mondays found her exhausted

but still intensely focused.
Anti-war pamphlets replaced
state literature guidelines.
Reminded that the district
included military
families, she spread index
and middle finger upright

and continued. How do I
know? As an advanced degree
mentor, I observed classroom
techniques of first year teachers;
critiqued management methods.
She missed planning times so I
wrote notes: Return test papers

ASAP. I poured words
out during lunch. Challenged to
remember that a 7th
graders emotions floated
thin skin surfaces, she laughed
I know. Kent State erupted.
University gales closed.

Riots stopped ceremonies.
Degrees arrived in mail tubes.
No longer mentor, kid's sports
and cleaning helped me through days.
Two weeks; then a local news-
paper tilted fragile worlds.
Handsome as a Watusi

warrior, reserved for thirteen,
a boy asked for graded tests.
She responded, Not ready!
He (words from the article)
told her if she finished work,
he'd have a grade average.
(again from newspaper...)

...The teacher slapped him across
the face. He returned the serve.
Across the hall a male
teacher opened his door, saw
perceived attack and with clenched
fists knocked down an A student.
(I read this. I wasn’t there)

Contacted in Vietnam
John’s dad agreed with offer.
an apology from both
teachers would end a sticky
situation. The next dsy
she called, wanted to see me.
I finally said, Of course

Her green wagon bounced along
our driveway. Inside, I asked
her to sit. She started with,
They all want me to resign.
I nodded, Don’t refuse. If
They fire you, no system will
ever offer a contract!

I didn’t tell her our three
Kids fielded verbal hits, some
more painful than body blows;
that we avoided TV
in fear of what we might see.
We both knew my husband fought
for everything she opposed.

Pale braids trembled, she drank tea;
At last seemed ready to leave.
Twenty three, green as her bug,
smiling through fingers, waiting
for me to return the sign,
did she know the word never?
instead mouthed, Go in peace...

Chris Brown and Rihanna, Real talk.

They were ridin​g in the car and chris​ turne​d off the radio​
she said pleas​e dont stop the music​
he told her to shut up or hes going​ to beat her from wall to wall
she said shut up and drive​
then they got out of the car and it was raini​ng,​ but she didnt​ let him under​ her umbre​lla.​.​.​
ella ella
so he beat her with the umbre​lla.​.​.​
ella ella
and when the cops were looki​ng for him
he had to run it run it

UPDATE!
a-ron is my valentine... along with david?
even though it will only include a phone call...
we
can
brag about it at future parties.
YIZZZZ

I dont really have a Valentine, and I didnt think about that til last night.
Davids gonna kind of be my valentine.. so its okay.
Its silly anywayz.
...


Anyways, shore today with Shelby.
mmm.
yeah thats it.

I got hit in the face by a black bitch this morning.
I feel like Im beginning to lose my love of black people.
sry scotham.

Now head towards the light, the dark has no place here.

livin iz easy.



Shore again this weekend.
Staying away where I should be.

My entire blog boils down to me making all the right mistakes.

I went to Chincoteague with Cailtin, Shelby, and Josh Mosh today.
It was fun being there for 10 minutes...
we were driving into this "free parking" lot and Shelby was saying shes gonna take Caitlin to prom, so for dramatic effect I opened the car door and yelled "STOP THE FUCKING CAR" then shut it (end joke), but then Josh started laughing and I realized we were RIGHT in front of some old lady sitting on her front porch. Then... we went to pizza hut in onley... Then... we went back to my gmaz and sang happy birthday to my great aunt and gave her presentz. Then, I conned Caitlin into staying 10 minutes... but the whole ten minutes was me trying to convince her to say... thus me being a con-artist...
yiz.

I realized recently/today that almost everyone I knew in "the scene" has grown out of it and progressed.
Stress the word "almost".
Which lead me to think about psychological growth in general.
Which furtherly lead to me thinking about intellectual psychological growth.
THEN it lead to thinking about how those oh, so very high political figures and those who influence our world are always downing our generation. We are supposedly the most ignorant generation in the history of... well... history, but I have to disagree.
I believe in the times we're living in, simply because of social shifts EVERYONE wants to be an individual. EVERYONE wants originality. (It is scarce, but Im pretty sure it still exists) So I think everyone understands that personal views and opinions create personality (hopefully an interesting one will be determined with these views). NOW, to have personal views and or opinions... for them to be genuine, you must have knowledge. KNOWLEDGE. And I think everyone realizes this as well. So now we all have reason to pursue knowledge. So... does the fact that the reason for said pursuit is the far from noble make it any less... I dont know... Noble?
Should we be granted the gift of knowledge if all we really want out of it is more friends?... Or do we pursue such things so we like ourselves a little bit more?
I need more time to ponder.

"Smart People" was horribly depressing but fantastic... but horribly depressing...
Im on the shore. My dad is miserable. I want my brother. There is no food, but plenty of cigarettes.
Im editing a manuscript today.
That makes me feel really fucking cool.
jus sayin.


"I have often wondered how it is everyone loves himself more than the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than the opinions of others."

-- Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor

Today a good friend told me he was glad Im not a slut anymore and hes happy that ive turned my life in the right direction.
I thought I should have been at least a little insulted, I wasnt.
All I could say was that I agreed.
I agree.
I agree.
I fucking agree.

Im going to the eastern shore tonight, and glad to be going.
MMM, that is all.

Yesterday this really old guy at the bus stop handed me a peice of paper and told me it was a prayer book.
completely illegible.
ill scan in later today for someone to try and decipher.
the whole situation was pretty weird, im not expressing it properly.

when I fly solo I fly so high.
do birds get tired?
I dont think so.

how can this classify as a problem

the silica problem...essentially...

okay, so silica is a compound (SiO2), the form of silica concerning this blog is (SiO4), for some reason (I might know more if i was paying complete attention in geology) silica in minerals requires certain elements to share silicas oxygen... geologist call this "the silica problem". So my question for the day is how does this classify as a problem? When one brings up a "problem" it implies there is a solution to be found, but if said solution already happens naturally doesnt that mean its not ACTUALLY a problem?
thoughts?

Oh gahd.
Its all over.
My throat hurts though.
This morning could not have been more horrible.
absolute impossibility.

Im going to sleep the day away and DEFINATELY not go to my psychology class.

theres this thing called the upperhand I feel like I am acquiring.


btw
came across an old picture... I got powder foundation all over the dress right after prom.
good stuff.

oh, and did I mention Im a n00b?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I hate tumblr.

back to maah blogspot!

last night was remarkable.

USIN TUMBLR NOW.


uh, check teh myspace for link?

take one last breath.
open up your eyes, this is all thats left.

MMM.
fridays are always good days.
hopefully ill see some cool cats I havnt seen in a couple weeks.
bawlin.

Its been almost a month since Ive seen you and Im feelin' just fine.


on teh lighter note.
I want to drop out of school so bad.
Im not gonna, but the idea is entertaining.

Lia and Caitlin brought lack of blogging to my attention.
I think it has something to do with lack of caring.
Or lack of thinking.
Ive been keeping myself busy, thus not thinking.
HURRAY!


Ohz.
And... August destination. Richmond.
BAWLER.

read between the lines
my self respect has died
youve got me in a bind
ill never be confined!


MMM.
in a good mood and I dont think I should be.
I love my brother
I love the viola
I love pottery
I love my computer speakers
I love my phone
I love wohlfahrt.
I love my printer.
life is good.

today was sweet.
I knew I wouldnt make it to my geology lab on time if I took the bus.
brohan said he would take me.
but didnt.
so I take the bus.
and when i got to holland road, i got off the bus and saw the bus I needed to catch to POSSIBLY get there with 2 seconds to spare drive off.
so then my brother picks me up on holland and drives me to tcc.
only to find out my class was cancelled.
haha
but now ive eaten and im happy.
goodz.

I saw gran torino today.
It was the most moving movie Ive seen in a long time.
Fucking beautiful.

But thats besides the point of this blog.
I saw the preview for The Soloist...
Ive seen it before and everything.
But today like, tears built up in my eyes.
I want so badly to pick up my Viola again.
Im way too scared.
someone, push me.

There is a common misconception going around, being that if you admit you are a bitch, obnoxious, annoying, contradicting, hypocritical, over-reactive, [promiscuous], or anything negative, it automatically means its okay and said behavior is acceptable.
Not to be confused with embracing your bad behavior and turning it in to something you like about yourself.
To set this shit straight, its not okay, its not acceptable, its not tolerable, it will lead to your downfall.
just sayin.
on a lighter note...


I put a hole through my steven martin record to put it on the wall.
this of course, is a perfectly understandable reaction.

Ya know how fucking hard it is to write happy times in detail without it being boring.
Im such a happy person, but all my blog entries make me look like the most miserable bitch on the face of the earth.
I just dont find happiness interesting to others.
which makes sense, because most people spend alot more time talking about what they hate about someone, or what is going on in the world alot longer than you can talk about how fantastic things are.
Not enough words... or different perceptions for that matter...
we all see things we hate differently...
different reasons.
but we all like things for the same reason.
most of the time.
This is too much of a general statement.
slutevah.
party @ billyz.

Jeeezuz.
Im in a pickle.
bitch please, I dont miss yo azz.
right?
right.
right...

its melo-dramatic, but Id rather be sleeping alone than with someone who is not you.

tonight is going to be fucking fantasitic.
FUCKING FANTASTIC.


Davey Flick is back in town.
So stoked ta see mah baybay!

OH OH OH
who wants to hear AAAALL about the endoscopy and colonoscopy Im getting on monday?!?!?!

Today I'm alright now.



:-)

I had an extremely vivid dream last night.
I usually know when Im dreaming... so I dont freak out, but it was so vivid I didnt know.
Then I woke up all scared and shit...
unrelated...
My brother asked me to do the dishes.
So I go to my grandmas sink and and turn on the water and he had set up the little fosset thing that pulls out to spray dishes up so that it was facing out, so when I turned on the water to do the dishes it got me completely fucking soaking wet.
The simple fact that my brother had planned that out the night before made me laugh.
The simple fact that I was soaking wet made me mad.
Ive never had such a complicated mix of emotions.

I am in the most emotionally exhausting dilemma I have ever encountered.

...

My dentist... Dr. Kent jr. is a beautiful, beautiful man.

But I musnt betray Dr. Konikoff...

OOOOH GAAAAHD.

;-) 

Im feeling relieved.
Is that proper?


Going to the shore tonight to see Gramma in the hospital.
:-(.
I guess dinner at the exmore diner.
Probably attempting to hangout with JoshMosh although we all know he wont then when I get back to vb he'll be all "OMFG YOU WERE ON TEH SHOREZ AND DIDNT HANGOUT WIT MEH?!?!"


bawlin.

Realization of the day:
Education=Understanding
Understanding=Tolerance

The human psyche is a complicated thing.
We pick and chose which ones we want to figure out.

Dont read my blog anymore.

Eudora, you are a silly little girl.
But to say the least, I am not suprised.

I wanna turn my brain off.
I wanna stop over thinking everything.

I AM AN IDIOT!

but its alright.
because at this moment I feel good.
tomorrow, thatll probably change.
but now, im good.

Ya know, we always convince ourselves and imagine things being so much better and so great and we imagine exactly how that would be accomplished when we all know unconsciously its really just our imaginations.
I know Im overanalyzing, but the fact is, I am far too complicated and emotionally exhausting to ask anyone to put up with it.
Its unfair.
I want so badly to just sit and tell someone everything that goes on in my head, to just sit and SAY everything, but I am too afraid of that person getting annoyed or tired or just plain "why the fuck is she talking to me"
Which furtherly makes me feel like a horrible person because sometimes I think that way when friends are talking to me.
I am a fucking walking contradiction and I cant fucking stand it.
I am everything I am against.
I am far to aware and worried about the way people perceive me.
PERCEIVE not THINK, its a fine line, but a line none the less.
I know the intensions were good, but good intensions never have any effect on the actual happenings.
Im content.
Im just tired of thinking, worrying, whining... Im really better off.
Wrong time, wrong place, wrong coincidences, wrong people.
I wish I could rid myself of my overactive mind, so fucking badly.
Overall, I am an idiot.



Other than this shit tonight has been great, haha. I played my first scratcher, I won 2 dollahz!
helped me buy barbeque. 8-)
We bought a calzilla and while ian, caitlin, and shelby were on the way we cut one peice into thirds and moved the rest of the pizza to another box. It was hilarius... to me, lia, Krysden, and elliot at least... Our laughter suggested hilarity but the others werent amused... slutevah, it was funny.


oh, btw.... ACHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

COMING OUT OF SECLUSION TODAY!
it will be good.
it will be good.

OH!
And I dont know if anyone recalls the package of papers I received from my psych teacher about a month ago, with all the god rants, proselytizing of anti-abortion and moral beliefs had by said individual...
anyway, I finally took it to the dean of academics yesterday and DORIEZ GETTIN HER MONEYZ BACK, and the withdrawal "expunged" from my transcript!


PAAAAARTY TIME.
in my drive way.

(house party at billyz)
hhahha

Met with the dean today, again.
Eh, looking for god rant written by my psychology teacher.
mmm.
Good stuff.

I am so decent.
Just all around good feelings.
Yay happiness!
Its funny how I can explain things when I feel shitty, but when Im good I really dont have much to say.
Yay being at a loss for words! (some of the time).

ive been a thug since birth.
remember.

STOOP KID'S AFRAID TO LEAVE HIS STOOP!

I knew today was going to be bad.
Ive known today was going to be bad.
I really just wish I hadnt looked at a calendar last night and been reminded...
then maybe I wouldnt be reacting until after said date.

This is all a product of things I should regret.
This is all a product of decisions Ive made I think I regret.
But I am a firm believer in things happening to a reason, "firm believer" used very lightly simply because I am horribly inconsistant. Well, less inconsistant more not sure of what I believe.
what an oxymoron.
Thinking back now, I should have delt with it back then. Or maybe I shouldnt have been pressured. No, allowed myself to be pressured.
When I went in that morning I was still thinking I could undo what I was about to do.
Not consciously of course, but I guess thats what it was.
Maybe I just went ahead and did what I did without thinking to keep me from having to make a firm decision.
I didnt want what everyone else wanted.
I wanted what was supposed to happen happen.

I have been horribly anti-social the last couple of days, and I apologize to those who have noticed.
I probably wont turn my phone back on until friday.
Fair warning.

January 19th is going to be horrible.
But Ive decided that I will someday marry my gastrointerologist.
I WILL be mrs. Konikoff.
Mark my words, world, mark my words.

Im going to a gastrointerologist today...
I think I have multiple colds.

When I went to sleep last night every thing on my head hurt.

On a lighter note.
My speakers decided to work today.

I dont have anything significant to say.
I dont think I will for a while.

I am so tired of being human and having feelings.
I had an absolutely fantastic conversation with my mother this morning.
I think things will change.
I think they are changing.
This morning could have been one of two extremes, I am thankful as shit that it went the way it did.
I never got anything out of a good or bad talk with my mom, but now I honestly don't think anything else could make me feel this good. I have never felt this fulfilled. Ever.

As to last night, I should feel good about it. Not too sure if I do.

I really wish my speakers would work all the time and not only when they wanted to...
I am going to have a good day.
This day will be good.
OH
and last night I heard on the radio that december was "drunk and drugged driving month"...
DRUNK AND DRUGGED DRIVING FTW.
cant wait til next year to drink a shitload of alcohol and do a bunch of drugs and celebrate!...
:-|