Sunday, December 14, 2008

I need to start writing again. Now more than ever do I feel I can express my thoughts into words and get the message across. I wonder about the reasoning, but it doesnt matter.
I had a really really great night.
Twas no bullshit occurring which made it all that more enjoyable.
I just found out daddy is coming for the whole week starting monday. Its funny that when I was little I was a daddies girl, but as I reached the the age of "uncool to like parental units" I became disattached. BUT, in the last couple months Ive come to appreciate all the things he does for me. I cant wait to spend every day with him like we used to. Go to movies when we're bored, but dont tell mom. Order chinese delivery when we're hungry, but pay with cash so mom doesnt find out. I just want to sit and watch SNL with him like old times. Be uncomfortable when sexual innuendos are brought up, like old times.
On a different note...
I love my brother as well.
I was speaking with an older woman about like who told me of a time, not too long ago, where he brother and daddy both passed away in the same week and spoke of how she never had a good relationship with her mother. And how she thought her life was hopeless and didnt see why she was here. Which led to a re-occuring dream where my brother, daddy, and I went to like... this tourist attraction where you were locked in this really nice house and about a hundred other people and were gassed. Pretty much retail mass suicide. I realized what was happening as my they reached unconciousness and found a way out, acquired super human strength, and pulled them out. When they came too, they were pissed at me for saving there lives. A huge part of it was that my mom wasnt there. She was no where in the dream, and I never thought of her the entire time. It scares the shit out of me. I realize that its probably just my fears coming out into dream form, but the question on uncertainty of whether or not I believe in "signs" like that scares me. As in... should I take this as a sign and watch out, or should I just brush it off. I think thats why I have such a desire to believe in SOMETHING. Little shit, like, maybe Im on my way to a party and I get stopped by EVERY stop light... should I take that as a sign or just brush it off and call it bad luck. Ive really noticed that in MOST situations, I believe in fate. I believe we are born to the people, place, and time where we belong and everything falls into place. Life is about the journey, and I believe in that, but Im not as afraid of the destination as I am of the journey itself, of the things we go through and [get caught doing]. In the end Ive come to realize that through the bad shit that happens, at the end of the day, its the best thing that could happen. But its the process of going through the bad shit and realizing it was good that I hate. THE FUCKING JOURNEY.

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