Life is like a science experiment.
If shit doesnt work you change the variable...
except if you accidentally blew up a building with that one variable its a little too late to change it.

I am convinced that if ONE LITTLE thing wasnt part of my night I wouldnt be sitting at home crying from frustration.

oh, and another thing thats unrelated...
almost once a week I hear something else
but now Im afraid to say anything because Im afraid youll convince me to not walk away...again.
Im trotting a fine line between taking no notice and going "see you in ten months" mode.
I dont want to have some big suprise any further along this road.
and what the fuck.
I dont do this.
Im never like this.
This is not me at all.
I dont have these conversations.
I dont have these worries.
I go with it.
I dont interfere.
I dont try.
ever.
who duh fux iz you?!

p.s.
Its insane how long it took me to write that small amount. Usually I write better when Im frustrated or have alot on my mind, but I am so unbelievably frustrated I am at a loss for words.
If one was to ask me how I felt I would say one sentence, start mumbling, and end with "and just a bunch of shit".

Time for resolutions;
Time to make some quick decisions.

This day is good.
I smell bad and havnt showered, but this day is good.


Ive made my room a stress free zone. But Im stressed about being put under pressure to not be stressed in the stress free zone.

Every hall way has a camera, every hall way has a camera dont you know?
They never let you open the windows, the never let you open the windows.

I feel better today.
Not because of sleep, because I fixed things.

Other than not being upset, I feel like shit.
I havnt eaten since yesterday morning, but I suppose the pain dulls the hunger.

I started getting my room all dorie-ish today.
Its funny how I forgot how nice to is to have a "me room."



thought: Two-sided tape is fucking useless.

Note to self: Next time you get slightly upset, dont drink alcohol. There is a fine line between forgetting your problems and making yourself feel worse about them.

There is never an escape from what which no escape is necessary
Playing it down is exhausting
Association of anger with rage is no longer understood
I still hear the yelling
I still sense the acrimony
I still taste your virulence
I still smell your resentment
I still see the cause
But the feeling, the feeling is foreign

gratifying consanguinity is a privilege
Its always something.
Always.

"I know I should be brave, but I'm just too afraid."

Sometimes I wish I was too stupid to realize whats happening around me.
But other times I wish I was wise enough to know it will be okay.

take into consideration december 11th's post.
I dont feel as if anything can cheer me up now.

Im about to get teen angsty.
I always hated my mom because she didnt let me do things...
It was simply because I wanted to be a teenager and she was a bitch.
Now I am upset because her selfishness makes me hurt, I suddenly care about why shes a bitch.
Its funny because to think of a comparison I thought of like... a best friend being a bitch for no reason and not wanting to be your friend anymore... that kind of hurt... and I never have considered my mom close to a "friend" at all.
I made a mistake, fucking petty mistake, and it hurts me more that she doesnt understand and cant relate and doesnt have fucking compassion than it does whatever the completely ridiculous, outweighed consequence will be.

I feel like im growing up.

A constant mixture of highs and lows.
Everything I never thought anyone would ever say to me was said.
I am in constant look out to maintain balance.
To show no emotion.
To not allow anyone to read me.
But even in the attempt to maintain, I dont.
And still realize later it wasnt the right choice.
Maybe the realization is less of a "why the fuck did you do that", its still unacceptable.
Over all, after the bullshit and unconsciously convincing myself I didnt care... Im glad tonight happened.
The intensity is equivalent, as well as the fear and uneasiness.



OOOOON A LIGHTER NOTE...
I finally bought my ipod today.
BAWLIN.

god dammit.

This is another time when I wish I believed in something. Like.. the whole "sign" shit again.
fuck fuck fuck.

I am in a waaay better mood today, just because my brother is coming and everything will go by quickly once he gets here.

Im getting a new phone today/tomorrow!

bawlin.

Ive been looking for "sunny bell" on myspace and limewire and everywhere forever and I finally found it.

love&reverie.

Its times like these where I need reassurance.

I havnt been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

Its weird how I didnt start this with the intensions I have now.

I never worried about anything.

I am a realist/optimist.

I never thought of anything other than how it was.

My attention was never swayed to one thing.

"butterflies" was a feeling I was no longer familiar with.

I never let myself feel something for anyone, ever.

I didn't allow myself to get let down.

But I cant seem to remember the last time all those things applied to my lifestyle.

When did I become vulnerable?

When did my barricade get broken down?

Cause' I sure as hell dont recall.

I dont think I was ever conscious of my want for a challenge.

and you, you are tricky.

Ya know how like.. old people need a break from their dogs so they send them to like a kennel for a week or so with no means of an escape?

My mom is the old person, Im the dog, the eastern shore is the kennel, and me not having a car or money is the "no means of escape"

I have realized that I think so much more deeply into everything than anyone I know. I absorb every bit of information around me on contact. Whether its peoples behaviors or the operations of a really fucking cool printer I see. My mind is always racing with explanations of certain things that happen. Why people act a certain why, why people REACT a certain way, and most of the time I can figure it out, I can fucking figure out motives of fucked up people just because Ive been in their shoes. Just because Ive had the same thought processes. I can understand dumb middle school bitches because Ive been there and Ive starved for the attention too. I can understand people who will do anything to satisfy others because Ive had that want and need. I can understand when people think everyone/thing is out to get them, because Ive felt that too. I can understand people who pretend to know things, or pretend to like things to impress others, because Ive been there too. This is why I dont bitch, this is why I dont talk shit. Because I get everyones need to pity, everyones heartbreak, everyones selfishness, everyones envy, everyones lack of self respect and everyones fucking need to  be accepted. But being all these different people, constantly changing and learning and changing and learning. Despite this complete step down from sophistication, but at the moment I can only compare it to making a html layout. You type in the code and look at the page, you see what you like and dislike and edit it. In the end your happy. But a few months later you go back and want a change. So you type edit and edit and edit it until your happy. This goes on forever. I feel like I base the things I do and say, or DONT do or say rather on when Ive seen others do it. When youre bitching about something you dont realize its annoying as shit. You realize it once you see someone else do it and you get annoyed, but the only part that counts is if you make that connection. All these thoughts makes me realize that everything IS NOT relative. Our external conditions do not decide anything. Nothing is relative. Its all fucking science, its all about our parents genes and whether or not we're too fucking dimwitted to question everything in our reality. I was cursed with a mind that craves exploration and explanation but cannot explain shit itself through words. I doubt anyone reading this follows it at all. If everyone thought more into everything that is happening around them this world wouldnt be so fucking fucked up. I cant decide if I would rather be dumb as shit and live my life the best I could out of ignorance or if I want to have enough brain power to make everything change. In conclusion, I have been everyone, I can assure you, but no one has ever been me. I am constantly changing, if you knew me 6 months ago dont assume you still do. Dont try to get to know me either, it will get exhausting.

today me and my father concluded my mother is dumping all of her problems on the shore.

that is why I am here at the moment.

...

I wonder if someone can have a natural tolerance for codeine...
cause Im in a shitload of pain and tylenol 3 aint doing shyyyt.

on a lighter note, I have said previously I felt like now more than ever I have been able to express my thoughts sucessfully... but now Ive discovered its probably just because I have been drunk while writing in this blog the past 3 times. But that all makes sense. I mean, the great writers Ive adored were all alcoholics... Earnest Hemmingway, Edgar Allen Poe. THE GREATS. Im not comparing myself, it just makes for an easier exception that I dont really just suck at communicating in general... ya dig?

I need to start writing again. Now more than ever do I feel I can express my thoughts into words and get the message across. I wonder about the reasoning, but it doesnt matter.
I had a really really great night.
Twas no bullshit occurring which made it all that more enjoyable.
I just found out daddy is coming for the whole week starting monday. Its funny that when I was little I was a daddies girl, but as I reached the the age of "uncool to like parental units" I became disattached. BUT, in the last couple months Ive come to appreciate all the things he does for me. I cant wait to spend every day with him like we used to. Go to movies when we're bored, but dont tell mom. Order chinese delivery when we're hungry, but pay with cash so mom doesnt find out. I just want to sit and watch SNL with him like old times. Be uncomfortable when sexual innuendos are brought up, like old times.
On a different note...
I love my brother as well.
I was speaking with an older woman about like who told me of a time, not too long ago, where he brother and daddy both passed away in the same week and spoke of how she never had a good relationship with her mother. And how she thought her life was hopeless and didnt see why she was here. Which led to a re-occuring dream where my brother, daddy, and I went to like... this tourist attraction where you were locked in this really nice house and about a hundred other people and were gassed. Pretty much retail mass suicide. I realized what was happening as my they reached unconciousness and found a way out, acquired super human strength, and pulled them out. When they came too, they were pissed at me for saving there lives. A huge part of it was that my mom wasnt there. She was no where in the dream, and I never thought of her the entire time. It scares the shit out of me. I realize that its probably just my fears coming out into dream form, but the question on uncertainty of whether or not I believe in "signs" like that scares me. As in... should I take this as a sign and watch out, or should I just brush it off. I think thats why I have such a desire to believe in SOMETHING. Little shit, like, maybe Im on my way to a party and I get stopped by EVERY stop light... should I take that as a sign or just brush it off and call it bad luck. Ive really noticed that in MOST situations, I believe in fate. I believe we are born to the people, place, and time where we belong and everything falls into place. Life is about the journey, and I believe in that, but Im not as afraid of the destination as I am of the journey itself, of the things we go through and [get caught doing]. In the end Ive come to realize that through the bad shit that happens, at the end of the day, its the best thing that could happen. But its the process of going through the bad shit and realizing it was good that I hate. THE FUCKING JOURNEY.

Tonight has probably been the most frustrating of my life.
What started out to be a seemingly nice evening turned into shit.
I love [person] so much, but every moment we spend together and see more and more why we stopped being friends so many times through out this relationship. But then again, everyone moment thats NOT that moment makes me happy we started talking again.
I remember in 6th grade, when I went into orchestra class I was super good, but my new middle school orchestra started from book one, page one, so while being surrounded by a lower level of playing, the quality of my playing lessened. So I guess the way Im relating this is... Ive come so far and grown up in the last 2ish years, and I cannot be constantly surrounded and entertained people who dont know the first thing about really living, or growing up, or anything thats not being a child.
I understand theres times we all can let go, drink alcohol, act crazy, but there are certain situations where you have to fucking have control of yourself, not be self centered, no matter how fucking much you want your way. I cant help other people find themselves anymore, I cant try to motivate other people with problems anymore, its useless, everything in life needs to be learned by yourself. I cant willingly talk to a friend about his/her problems because I know the comfort of having someone to listen to you isnt helping you grow at all. It doesnt help you advance, its a crutch, when you train for a tri-athalon you dont take cigarette breaks, do you? Because it fucking reverses progress. Dont try to tell me that sometimes someone needs a crutch, and should just be given a break, YOU are the only person that YOU have in this world no matter what. Is it a problem that I have accepted that and you havnt? Is it a problem that I am content with my fucked up situation and have accepted it but you are still just fretting on the petty bullshit in your life? No, the problem is with yourself, not me. I am not going to become miserable and depressed about everything that goes on to make you more comfortable. I am not going to give you advice over and over again just for it to be useless in the end. I am going to let you deal with your own bullshit ON YOU OWN, like I did.

tonight is funny.
It all started when George decided to call people and tell them BIG HOUSE PARTY AT BILLYS TONIGHT. The Britney showed up and informed us of this... while my mom was downstairs making cinnamon bread... she answered the door.
then Andy, Erin, Gannaway, Cody, and some guy called and informed us of there arrival.
So now there is all of the above, my brother, Britney, Shelby, and Caitlyn just chillin in my front yard at 11 oclock...
George just got off work and is on his way with... soda for us to drink.

so I was saying it was weird and someone told me to blog about it...
asshole.
but here I am...
is it sad that I broke from the festivities to blog?

when things are good with my friends, shit sucks with my family.
when I have no friends, shits good with my family

BAWLIN.

I wonder what I did in my past life to make god think I need punishment.

hmmm.

everything is going really well, which is very strange for my life.

I partied with my brother this weekend for the first time in almost a year and it was weird as shit, but I learned a very valuable lesson... dont chug 151?

Anyways, I feel like I'm at this peak of things being good, which makes me consider quitting while ahead, thus eliminating chances of downfall.

its being considered.