Nights like these are totally fucking awesome... :-|

something bad is happening.
ohai easy stomach, see ya later, thanks for comin' out.

Soooo, I'm going to the eastern shore with Scott today to see daddy. I hope this goes well, I've got a good feelin. Plus I totally checked my horoscope for the next two days and the stars say I'm gonna be alright, lolololololol.

My tummy is turning.
I feel like i swallowed my tongue.
Something bad is gonna happen.

I've felt more fucking fantastic during the last two days than I have in months. I wish I had words to describe the intensity to you, to anyone. Maybe it's good its indescribable 8-). What is happiness to you?

Today couldn't have been any better in any way. I don't know what it is about anything with this, but I like it. I feel so dumb and can't figure out what would possess me to say the things I said or anything of the nature, but I'm trying to be positive about it. I'm diggin what I've got right now, no more jeopardizing.

This was my horoscope yesterday...
"Day-by-day you become more certain about something you already knew. However, today you may stall in your movement toward finding balance and harmony. Temporarily, your obligations aren't necessarily supported by your current opinions. You believe one thing, yet can be required to do something that contradicts your core values. Ultimately, it may be wise to bite the bullet, make less of a deal about this issue and just do what gets you through the day. "

wow@that.

The concept of doing things your heart doesn't want to do because your head thinks its better for you as a whole is a fucking joke. None of me feels good, granted I didn't feel fantastic before, but whats this supposed to change? This is all kinds of open, there is no closure. My stomach has been in my throat since 3 oclock. There have been very few times in my life where I've been depressed and couldn't think of something that would make me feel better, couldnt dream up an alter life to be entertained by, to give me a higher purpose to work towards. Ive had alot of trouble expressing myself even TO myself, I felt nothing but numb until Lia left and I was alone, cuddled in a blanket, staring at my computer screen. What now? Do I blog? Do I write? I can't help but wonder how long I could sleep. This is not the product of LOSING anyone, its a product of stupidly ridding myself of one of the only things I was sure of. In ones life some things should be stable and absolute. I'm a big fan of absolution but I can't find it anywhere.


There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave

The sound of loneliness makes me happier.

I was thinking there could be different reasons why I feel so shitty at times, lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of nourishment, but I think that thought was just meant to convince myself I didnt "have it bad", as usher would say. I know all of this is because of you. I'm sorry for all this extra bullshit, but you say "this is why I dont do this", but ya know, your actions really can only have this result. EVERYTHING cannot be boiled down to simplicity, there are things that have underlying and need-to-be-explained-thoroughly concepts to understand. "Us" for instance. This is not all me, this is not all my fault, these are not just my outrageous emotions and misunderstood feelings. This is not because I am young and my brain hasnt fully matured. You are wrong, despite the fact you dont need me to THINK your right for you to KNOW youre right, you are wrong. I no longer know if you care for me, or if youve just perfected the art of living life without a purpose and NOT caring for anything. Ive done enough breaking of barriers, I dont have the energy to shatter the new ones. Once again, I'm sorry for the extra bullshit, but I imagine this will be the last of it and you can continue your life without my company, because we both know everyone can become content with being unhappy.

I'd rather us be sleeping in separate beds than back to back in mine.

This isn't the life I wanna live.
I don't to feel like shit when youre not here, only cause I'm worried.
Its not that its hard for me to trust people, I just wish I didn't have all these reasons not to.
But I mean, I kind of just make things up in my head and convince myself they are occurring, which isn't your fault in the slightest, but its posing a problem upon myself.

Today was shitty.
Nothing shitty happened...
It was just shitty in general.
I wondah whyyyy

I can't help but think I'm part of the problem.
...
unrelated...

I am no longer content with being content!
Things that used to excite me and make me happy just don't anymore.
I mean, they still make me happy, but I dont get like... a rush of excitement.
I dont want to be just okay with where I am!
I WANT TO BE FUCKING STOKED AS SHIT ABOUT WHERE I AM!

Hmmm.
I don't have much to say.
It was a nice saint patricks day.
Corn beef and cabbage with Joe and Aaron at Scottyz.
Then like 10 minutes of the departed, followed by 20 minutes of portal.
OH, BUT THE WHOLE DAY WAS FILLED WITH "MAKE DORIE FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT".
lolololol.
Ive associated so much stuff with you, which makes me miss youuuuu.
(I just lost the game)

ugh, way to enduce nervousness.

So, Ive been facebooking alot lately, and Ive encountered almost every friend I had in elementary school at ODC. Every single one of them is so fucking picture perfect. Long flawless hair, perfect teeth, fucking school spirit, a group of equally as perfect girlfriends to stand behind them.
What the fuck, bro. How did I end up HERE?
I mean, being liberal I suppose I appreciate I escaped from such a structured idea of how things should be, but its just weird to see how EVERYONE turned out the same so far, and recently learning that like... ALL of them still talk to one another, except me. Which, once again, I guess I'm thankful for.
I dont know.
I wonder how sweet it'd be if my parents were rich and I never had to dream about anything, I could just have it, but then again, dreaming is always alot more fun than being.

I cant really explain why I open up then shut everything out at the least appropriate of times. I'm just as confused, maybe more. I just don't show it.


aaaand.
The other day I found this picture.

Jose was lookin SO fly.

I don't need to blog.
*sucks it up*

Jesus Christ.
First of all, failtown mcfailsville.
second...
It is really... suprising/strange/...funny to me that you think the things you do, because I see them as impossible.

I no longer know how to please my family.
There is not a compromise between what I want and what they want me to want this time.
Should I have ever COMPROMISED my future?
It seems that might be why they expect it now.
The decision I make now is going to be DIRECTLY effected in the most significant way in the future... so should I still have to compromise due to age?
"youre young, no one knows what they are going to do for the rest of their life when theyre young"
Does this mean my parents know exactly what I'm going to do?
Or should I spend the next 5 years doing nothing? Because from what my genius, PhD having, published author father has told me, Ive concluded that nothing I do now will matter in 5 years when I make a career decision. "Dropping out" is always going to be viewed as a low-life term, along with "GED". No matter what circumstances have led to such actions, or how noble the plan for afterwards, the phase "dropping out" with forever and always be looked down upon! Why spend money on college courses if they are not required for the degree I end up getting before having a real career? Then again... maybe I should stay in school with absolutely no goals so my father can brag to his friends that his 17 year old daughter is already in college!
DATZ RYT, I MUST'VE FORGOT! SILLY ME, LOLOLOLZ
:-|

yo, facebook makes me feel so exposed.

I woke up this morning to a bird chirping loud as fuck...
but I just kind of ignored it because I thought my brother was being a douche a was blowing a whistle in my room...
then it got really fucking annoying, so I look up and theres a fucking bird flying around my room...
so I called my brother and he came in and opened the windows so it would fly out.
I was scared as shit.
twas awesome
that is all.

I'm tired of bitching about this.
You could imagine how angry I am, but I am 10 times more fed-up than that.
fed-up is actually a perfect word.
fed-up.
Its one thing to make a fool of yourself and fuck up your own life, but when it starts to effect your "best friends" lives and shit that is important to them...
then it has become a problem.

Whoa, bro.
fallin' hard.
congratz.
But of course, I can't help but have my doubts, just based on the decisions you might make due to the person you "are" or "were before", but still, irrelevant to my feelings/intentions.
what a night.

Read my blog to see if youre in it.
WELL GUESS WHAT.
you iz.
WHOA BRO, WHOA.

...my brother and george made me post this.

I feel like... "we" just got passed the awkward stages...
now Im just like...
FUCK.
why didnt we get this over with like 3 months ago?

Every day I feel more comfortable.
man oh man.
composure.

BEFO'
oh, and I cleaned willz room for cigarettes, lolz



AFTA'!

every day just keeps gettin' better!

Ive gotta blog.
So last night some ass mongural bitch asked me if he could have my speakers and I said no. I come home today and they are fucking gone. they were big ass speakers that like, i set my books on and shit and it acted as a bedside table...
so yeah, all my shit was just thrown on my fucking bed like its fucking worthless.
It would be a little fucking less upsetting if I was fucking told he was taking them, but apparently my asspirate brother told him to just march into my room and FUCK WITH MY SHIT. There are very fucking few posessions I have that I like. My room is the only fucking makeshift sanctuary I have, and really, very few things in it are mine. It is the only fucking place that is MINE and it pisses me the fuck of that people dont give a fuck about my space and dont mind trashing all my shit just to take something they fucking want.
IM SO FUCKING ENRAGED RIGHT NOW.



on a lighter note...
"the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people"
- the perks of being a wallflower
what a discretely complex idea.

I think I miiiight be losing my mind a little bit.