Life is like a science experiment.
If shit doesnt work you change the variable...
except if you accidentally blew up a building with that one variable its a little too late to change it.

I am convinced that if ONE LITTLE thing wasnt part of my night I wouldnt be sitting at home crying from frustration.

oh, and another thing thats unrelated...
almost once a week I hear something else
but now Im afraid to say anything because Im afraid youll convince me to not walk away...again.
Im trotting a fine line between taking no notice and going "see you in ten months" mode.
I dont want to have some big suprise any further along this road.
and what the fuck.
I dont do this.
Im never like this.
This is not me at all.
I dont have these conversations.
I dont have these worries.
I go with it.
I dont interfere.
I dont try.
ever.
who duh fux iz you?!

p.s.
Its insane how long it took me to write that small amount. Usually I write better when Im frustrated or have alot on my mind, but I am so unbelievably frustrated I am at a loss for words.
If one was to ask me how I felt I would say one sentence, start mumbling, and end with "and just a bunch of shit".

Time for resolutions;
Time to make some quick decisions.

This day is good.
I smell bad and havnt showered, but this day is good.


Ive made my room a stress free zone. But Im stressed about being put under pressure to not be stressed in the stress free zone.

Every hall way has a camera, every hall way has a camera dont you know?
They never let you open the windows, the never let you open the windows.

I feel better today.
Not because of sleep, because I fixed things.

Other than not being upset, I feel like shit.
I havnt eaten since yesterday morning, but I suppose the pain dulls the hunger.

I started getting my room all dorie-ish today.
Its funny how I forgot how nice to is to have a "me room."



thought: Two-sided tape is fucking useless.

Note to self: Next time you get slightly upset, dont drink alcohol. There is a fine line between forgetting your problems and making yourself feel worse about them.

There is never an escape from what which no escape is necessary
Playing it down is exhausting
Association of anger with rage is no longer understood
I still hear the yelling
I still sense the acrimony
I still taste your virulence
I still smell your resentment
I still see the cause
But the feeling, the feeling is foreign

gratifying consanguinity is a privilege
Its always something.
Always.

"I know I should be brave, but I'm just too afraid."

Sometimes I wish I was too stupid to realize whats happening around me.
But other times I wish I was wise enough to know it will be okay.

take into consideration december 11th's post.
I dont feel as if anything can cheer me up now.

Im about to get teen angsty.
I always hated my mom because she didnt let me do things...
It was simply because I wanted to be a teenager and she was a bitch.
Now I am upset because her selfishness makes me hurt, I suddenly care about why shes a bitch.
Its funny because to think of a comparison I thought of like... a best friend being a bitch for no reason and not wanting to be your friend anymore... that kind of hurt... and I never have considered my mom close to a "friend" at all.
I made a mistake, fucking petty mistake, and it hurts me more that she doesnt understand and cant relate and doesnt have fucking compassion than it does whatever the completely ridiculous, outweighed consequence will be.

I feel like im growing up.