USIN TUMBLR NOW.


uh, check teh myspace for link?

take one last breath.
open up your eyes, this is all thats left.

MMM.
fridays are always good days.
hopefully ill see some cool cats I havnt seen in a couple weeks.
bawlin.

Its been almost a month since Ive seen you and Im feelin' just fine.


on teh lighter note.
I want to drop out of school so bad.
Im not gonna, but the idea is entertaining.

Lia and Caitlin brought lack of blogging to my attention.
I think it has something to do with lack of caring.
Or lack of thinking.
Ive been keeping myself busy, thus not thinking.
HURRAY!


Ohz.
And... August destination. Richmond.
BAWLER.

read between the lines
my self respect has died
youve got me in a bind
ill never be confined!


MMM.
in a good mood and I dont think I should be.
I love my brother
I love the viola
I love pottery
I love my computer speakers
I love my phone
I love wohlfahrt.
I love my printer.
life is good.

today was sweet.
I knew I wouldnt make it to my geology lab on time if I took the bus.
brohan said he would take me.
but didnt.
so I take the bus.
and when i got to holland road, i got off the bus and saw the bus I needed to catch to POSSIBLY get there with 2 seconds to spare drive off.
so then my brother picks me up on holland and drives me to tcc.
only to find out my class was cancelled.
haha
but now ive eaten and im happy.
goodz.

I saw gran torino today.
It was the most moving movie Ive seen in a long time.
Fucking beautiful.

But thats besides the point of this blog.
I saw the preview for The Soloist...
Ive seen it before and everything.
But today like, tears built up in my eyes.
I want so badly to pick up my Viola again.
Im way too scared.
someone, push me.

There is a common misconception going around, being that if you admit you are a bitch, obnoxious, annoying, contradicting, hypocritical, over-reactive, [promiscuous], or anything negative, it automatically means its okay and said behavior is acceptable.
Not to be confused with embracing your bad behavior and turning it in to something you like about yourself.
To set this shit straight, its not okay, its not acceptable, its not tolerable, it will lead to your downfall.
just sayin.
on a lighter note...


I put a hole through my steven martin record to put it on the wall.
this of course, is a perfectly understandable reaction.

Ya know how fucking hard it is to write happy times in detail without it being boring.
Im such a happy person, but all my blog entries make me look like the most miserable bitch on the face of the earth.
I just dont find happiness interesting to others.
which makes sense, because most people spend alot more time talking about what they hate about someone, or what is going on in the world alot longer than you can talk about how fantastic things are.
Not enough words... or different perceptions for that matter...
we all see things we hate differently...
different reasons.
but we all like things for the same reason.
most of the time.
This is too much of a general statement.
slutevah.
party @ billyz.

Jeeezuz.
Im in a pickle.
bitch please, I dont miss yo azz.
right?
right.
right...

its melo-dramatic, but Id rather be sleeping alone than with someone who is not you.

tonight is going to be fucking fantasitic.
FUCKING FANTASTIC.


Davey Flick is back in town.
So stoked ta see mah baybay!

OH OH OH
who wants to hear AAAALL about the endoscopy and colonoscopy Im getting on monday?!?!?!

Today I'm alright now.



:-)

I had an extremely vivid dream last night.
I usually know when Im dreaming... so I dont freak out, but it was so vivid I didnt know.
Then I woke up all scared and shit...
unrelated...
My brother asked me to do the dishes.
So I go to my grandmas sink and and turn on the water and he had set up the little fosset thing that pulls out to spray dishes up so that it was facing out, so when I turned on the water to do the dishes it got me completely fucking soaking wet.
The simple fact that my brother had planned that out the night before made me laugh.
The simple fact that I was soaking wet made me mad.
Ive never had such a complicated mix of emotions.

I am in the most emotionally exhausting dilemma I have ever encountered.

...

My dentist... Dr. Kent jr. is a beautiful, beautiful man.

But I musnt betray Dr. Konikoff...

OOOOH GAAAAHD.

;-) 

Im feeling relieved.
Is that proper?


Going to the shore tonight to see Gramma in the hospital.
:-(.
I guess dinner at the exmore diner.
Probably attempting to hangout with JoshMosh although we all know he wont then when I get back to vb he'll be all "OMFG YOU WERE ON TEH SHOREZ AND DIDNT HANGOUT WIT MEH?!?!"


bawlin.

Realization of the day:
Education=Understanding
Understanding=Tolerance

The human psyche is a complicated thing.
We pick and chose which ones we want to figure out.

Dont read my blog anymore.

Eudora, you are a silly little girl.
But to say the least, I am not suprised.

I wanna turn my brain off.
I wanna stop over thinking everything.

I AM AN IDIOT!

but its alright.
because at this moment I feel good.
tomorrow, thatll probably change.
but now, im good.

Ya know, we always convince ourselves and imagine things being so much better and so great and we imagine exactly how that would be accomplished when we all know unconsciously its really just our imaginations.
I know Im overanalyzing, but the fact is, I am far too complicated and emotionally exhausting to ask anyone to put up with it.
Its unfair.
I want so badly to just sit and tell someone everything that goes on in my head, to just sit and SAY everything, but I am too afraid of that person getting annoyed or tired or just plain "why the fuck is she talking to me"
Which furtherly makes me feel like a horrible person because sometimes I think that way when friends are talking to me.
I am a fucking walking contradiction and I cant fucking stand it.
I am everything I am against.
I am far to aware and worried about the way people perceive me.
PERCEIVE not THINK, its a fine line, but a line none the less.
I know the intensions were good, but good intensions never have any effect on the actual happenings.
Im content.
Im just tired of thinking, worrying, whining... Im really better off.
Wrong time, wrong place, wrong coincidences, wrong people.
I wish I could rid myself of my overactive mind, so fucking badly.
Overall, I am an idiot.



Other than this shit tonight has been great, haha. I played my first scratcher, I won 2 dollahz!
helped me buy barbeque. 8-)
We bought a calzilla and while ian, caitlin, and shelby were on the way we cut one peice into thirds and moved the rest of the pizza to another box. It was hilarius... to me, lia, Krysden, and elliot at least... Our laughter suggested hilarity but the others werent amused... slutevah, it was funny.


oh, btw.... ACHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

COMING OUT OF SECLUSION TODAY!
it will be good.
it will be good.

OH!
And I dont know if anyone recalls the package of papers I received from my psych teacher about a month ago, with all the god rants, proselytizing of anti-abortion and moral beliefs had by said individual...
anyway, I finally took it to the dean of academics yesterday and DORIEZ GETTIN HER MONEYZ BACK, and the withdrawal "expunged" from my transcript!


PAAAAARTY TIME.
in my drive way.

(house party at billyz)
hhahha

Met with the dean today, again.
Eh, looking for god rant written by my psychology teacher.
mmm.
Good stuff.

I am so decent.
Just all around good feelings.
Yay happiness!
Its funny how I can explain things when I feel shitty, but when Im good I really dont have much to say.
Yay being at a loss for words! (some of the time).

ive been a thug since birth.
remember.

STOOP KID'S AFRAID TO LEAVE HIS STOOP!

I knew today was going to be bad.
Ive known today was going to be bad.
I really just wish I hadnt looked at a calendar last night and been reminded...
then maybe I wouldnt be reacting until after said date.

This is all a product of things I should regret.
This is all a product of decisions Ive made I think I regret.
But I am a firm believer in things happening to a reason, "firm believer" used very lightly simply because I am horribly inconsistant. Well, less inconsistant more not sure of what I believe.
what an oxymoron.
Thinking back now, I should have delt with it back then. Or maybe I shouldnt have been pressured. No, allowed myself to be pressured.
When I went in that morning I was still thinking I could undo what I was about to do.
Not consciously of course, but I guess thats what it was.
Maybe I just went ahead and did what I did without thinking to keep me from having to make a firm decision.
I didnt want what everyone else wanted.
I wanted what was supposed to happen happen.

I have been horribly anti-social the last couple of days, and I apologize to those who have noticed.
I probably wont turn my phone back on until friday.
Fair warning.

January 19th is going to be horrible.
But Ive decided that I will someday marry my gastrointerologist.
I WILL be mrs. Konikoff.
Mark my words, world, mark my words.

Im going to a gastrointerologist today...
I think I have multiple colds.

When I went to sleep last night every thing on my head hurt.

On a lighter note.
My speakers decided to work today.

I dont have anything significant to say.
I dont think I will for a while.

I am so tired of being human and having feelings.
I had an absolutely fantastic conversation with my mother this morning.
I think things will change.
I think they are changing.
This morning could have been one of two extremes, I am thankful as shit that it went the way it did.
I never got anything out of a good or bad talk with my mom, but now I honestly don't think anything else could make me feel this good. I have never felt this fulfilled. Ever.

As to last night, I should feel good about it. Not too sure if I do.

I really wish my speakers would work all the time and not only when they wanted to...
I am going to have a good day.
This day will be good.
OH
and last night I heard on the radio that december was "drunk and drugged driving month"...
DRUNK AND DRUGGED DRIVING FTW.
cant wait til next year to drink a shitload of alcohol and do a bunch of drugs and celebrate!...
:-|