The closer bamboozle is the more my stomach turns. Tomorrow, fucking tomorrow! The last couple days have been really really nice though. I'll be okay, I dont think Ill lose THAT much sleep. ;-)
M#

All I want is to spend all day with you, with no interruptions, cook lunch in our underwear, watch "epic" movies you cant believe I haven't seen, with whiskey and chile ramen, topped off by cuddle time and back rubs. You've made me learn what unconditional is, you're the only one outside of my family I care about unconditionally. I don't fucking care what my or your friends say (so cliche), it doesn't matter what bad shit happens, bad shit can't be avoided when you put your heart into something, ANYTHING! All I want is you. Ive never felt comfortable or even open to the idea of considering someone else in my decisions until there was you, now its just natural and I WANT to. I can't see myself with anyone else now, and I mean, I guess that usually happens but I don't even entertain the idea in my head at all. Its not desirable. I have these time frames based on objects. Like, you're drawing and your pillow, and I look back on to when I received them and think about how much I cared for you then and I totally thought it would be a steady road for me emotionally from then on... then, if that makes sense. But every fucking day I fall harder and harder and get more and more attached, but I'm fine with it, because its exactly where I am happiest and that's where I want to be. I mean, the only time I don't fall asleep holding onto your pillow is when I fall asleep holding on to you. I don't think things will change in a bad way, I only think things can get better, because it has thus far. M#

I might be becoming a little numb too. I wish falling asleep could make me feel better too, but its not that way, so I stay up and think while youre fast asleep finding peace.

Maybe if I ACTUALLY dont care, youll see the difference between the two extremes. Maybe?

dreading bambullshit.

I fucking torture myself.
Thats all I have to say.
no. its not.
I dont know what Im doing
I dont know what Im doing
I dont know what Im doing!

When I was younger I had a huge anger problem. I could never feel better or calm down unless I broke something or felt the pain of my fist hitting a wall. I eventually, with alot of therapy, grew out of it and became unfamiliar with "loss of control". I mean, I've felt extreme anger, but not that kind that takes over my entire fucking body. Tonight was such bullshit. I broke my mouse, spilled fresca all over my desk and cracked my computer screen. I don't know whats happening to me but all my old habits seem to be resurfacing. My anger, my irritability, my sadness. I just realize now that I'm not doing anything with my life and it has absolutely no value to speak of. I'm an idiot. INITIATE SELF DESTRUCTION GO!

I just hooked up my old computer to see the files I've forgotten about.
I now remember why I forgot about them.
ugh, pictures and conversations with people I don't want to remember.
...some decent music though.
I really wish I hadn't looked at all.

not all of them were horrible...

block party!




When myspace ruled.


Ha, shore to see Dankmobile?

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO PUKE MY THOUGHTS OUT OF MY MOUTH WITHOUT THINKING. If I had ONE fucking wish, this would be it!

I'm trying to say what I want to say without having to say I love you.

Despite the periodic lack-of-getting-along, I had a great weekend.